Alien Apocalypse USA, NR, 88 m, 2005
In Alien Apocalypse, God’s gift to the movies, Bruce “Don’t Call Me Ash” Campbell, plays a US astronaut (and osteopath) named Ivan who returns home after a forty-year space mission to discover that the human race is now under the control of man-sized termites from another world. (Geonosis, perhaps?) The voracious bugs have traveled far and wide to plunder our forests for wood, and whatever humans they didn’t zap into the middle of next week during the takeover have been put to work in sawmills. Needless to say, Ivan has a hard time warming up to his new bosses, especially after one of them bites the head off of his captain, Chuck (Michael Cory Davis, still sporting those dad-gummed dreadlocks). Actually, human flesh is something of a delicacy to the mites, who wile away their downtime munchy-wunching on the fingers of slaves who are incapable of towing the mark. (Each offense costs this insurgent or that slugabed one digit, and if they wind up losing so many that they can no longer assist in the decking or debarking or drying processes… Well, need I remind you of the fate that befell poor Chuckles?) There’s a rumor
going around that the president survived the attack and is off somewhere
plotting a rebellion, so Ivan breaks free of his binds and heads into the
mountains to find him. Along the way, he chances on some strays (most of whom
are charged with the unenviable task of wearing the lowest quality wigs and faux
facial hair I’ve seen since One Million AC/DC)
and inspires them to join him. (He also wins over the resident Loana, played by
a model with the legs of a thoroughbred but the acting chops of Pia Zadora.)
Following a little diversionary business (read: padding), our ragtag troupe
comes upon the former commander-in-chief’s hideaway, but time has robbed the
man inside of the energy to do anything other than sit on his fat ass and paint
landscapes. So, naturally, Ivan decides to lead the uprising himself. But can he
and his meagerly armed allies possibly defeat a bug army that boasts enough
firepower to give Ahmadinejad a chubby? Well, a long time ago in a galaxy far,
far away, a backasswards tribe of roly-poly Teddy Bears brought down a
star-destroying empire with not much more than sticks, stones, and
high-apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes. So, yeah, it sounds doable to me. The least compelling
part of Alien Apocalypse is its third act, which is replete with the kind
of empty, unimaginatively choreographed battle scenes that made TV’s “The
A-Team” such a chore to sit through. Shots of stuff blowing up, arrows
whizzing through the air this way and that, and alien limbs being hacked off
(complete with geysers of green blood) are recycled ad nauseam. Worse,
cinematographer David Worth (I’m going to take the high road here and refrain
from monkeying around with his surname) frames everything way too tight, so
we’re never able to get a fix on the scale of the action. Look, I realize this
thing was made for the price of a McDonald’s Happy Meal, but if the folks in
charge hadn’t squandered those few precious coppers on a umpteen-story-high
termite mound (which, for once, would’ve made more sense to build with
pixels), there just might’ve been something left with which to do the
engagements justice. Written and directed
by Josh Becker for the Sci Fi Channel (since renamed Syfy for branding
purposes), Alien Apocalypse is practically void of sparkle—it looks
like a thousand other made-for-television movies. (And it lifts shamelessly from
Planet of the Apes, right down to the look of the astronauts’ space
suits.) Becker’s previous credits include several episodes of “Xena: Warrior
Princess,” so it’s no wonder that this feature lacks the scope and vividness
that one normally associates with features. Still, it was a hit when it premiered,
pulling in more viewers than any prior Sci Fi original movie. (This is used as a
selling point on Anchor Bay’s horribly designed DVD case.) I’m guessing it
was Campbell who motivated the Nielsens to tune in; it certainly couldn’t have
been the dippy concept or cut-rate SPFX. Speaking of the latter, the digitally
realized versions of the mites (though they match well to Gary Jones’ puppets)
are maddeningly limited in their movement—they don’t even fly. And when they
fight it out with the humans, they just kind of stand there, popping off their
ray guns like the battle droids in The Phantom Menace. Though set in Oregon,
most, if not all, of Alien Apocalypse was lensed in Bulgaria, a far more
cost-effective location. The penny-pinching producers (incredibly, there are
over a dozen here) also cast locals in the supporting parts, but their accents
proved so insuppressible that their dialogue ultimately had to be looped.
Something tells me that the moneymen also skimped on spirit gum: at times you
can clearly see those phony beards slipping off the actors’ faces. September 30, 2010 © Copyright 2010 by Edward Larsen Terkelsen. All rights reserved.
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