Friday the 13th Part III USA, R, 95 m, 1982
Friday the 13th
Part III stands out in the
chronicles of Jason Voorhees for two reasons: it was shot in 3-D (only those who
caught the show during its original theatrical run can attest to the value of
this gimmick; subsequent home video releases served up the stabbings and
eviscerations in merely two dimensions) and it marked the first time
everybody’s favorite machete-wielding mama’s boy donned his now-iconic
hockey mask. In the preceding chapter, Jason covered his repulsive puss with
something resembling a potato sack, and although the effect was kind of creepy,
it was a bit too suggestive of the killer in The Town that Dreaded Sundown.
Still, I’ve never been clear as to why Jason needs to wear a disguise in the
first place. I mean, why should he give a hang if his victims see what he looks
like before he chops them into fish food? In the last minutes
of Friday the 13th Part II, one of dollies who Jason was hoping to send
into the sweet hereafter tricked him into letting his guard down by pretending
to be his mother. (You remember mama: she was behind all of the bloodshed in the
original Friday flick.) But it turns out that getting nearly decapitated
wasn’t enough to break Jason’s stride; he’s returned to Crystal Lake to
disembowel a new batch of randy teenagers. One of the youths there, a tubby
prankster named Shelly (Larry Zerner), likes to put on masks and scare the
dickens out of his friends. Pathetic as it may sound, it’s the only way he
knows how to get attention. But the one person whose attention he craves the
most, Vera (Catherine Parks), a Hispanic hottie, won’t give him the time of
day. (And she just about loses her lunch when he hints that he’d like for her
to take his virginity.) So, Shelly decides one night that he’ll win over the
star of his wet dreams with a little surprise. Gosh, could it be crocus in a
satin box from 1-800-FLOWERS? Or maybe the 140-piece Gold Ballotin from Godiva?
How about the Bliss Bullet from Couture? Nope, nuh uh, and grow the fuck up. As
Vera sits on the dock cooling her tootsies, the lard-assed ‘tard bursts out of
the water wearing a hockey mask and brandishing a spear gun. Needless to say,
this goes over like a fart in church: Vera calls him a jerk and sends him
blubbering like a binky-deprived baby into the misty night. But somewhere in
that misty night, Jason awaits. He cuts Shelly from ear to ear and makes off
with his mask and gun. He then tracks down Vera and fires a spear through her
head. Lord love a duck, Jason, a weekend in the woods with you is always so intense. True to form, Jason
(played here by Richard Brooker) extinguishes more lives in Friday the 13th
Part III than Dr. Tiller (may he fry in Hell evermore) used to during the
first half of any given day at his Wichita abortion mill. He thrusts a meat
cleaver into the chest of a shopkeeper, jabs a knitting needle into the neck of
the shopkeeper’s wife, electrocutes a hippy, skewers the hippy’s girlfriend
with a hot poker, impales a biker babe against a wall with a pitchfork, etc. At
the center of this horrible hackathon is Chris, performed as well as can be
expected by Dana Kimmell, a real cutie. Chris survived an attack by Jason some
time ago (this went down sometime between II and III), and she’s
returned to the scene of the crime for a bit of exposure therapy. Along for the
ride is her Cro-Magnon boyfriend, Rick (Paul Kratka), who dresses in preppy duds
and sports a haircut that emphasizes his dullness. Naturally, we’re delighted
when this big dope gets his skull smashed Casino-style (one of his
eyeballs even pops off the screen), but it’s hard to take any pleasure in
watching the other kids bite the dust because, well, they’re just kids. (And
the only “sins” they’re guilty of are smoking the Devil’s weed and
having sex outside of marriage.) Thankfully, the grisly goings-on fade from your
mind as soon as the credits come up because the implementation is so trite, so
unremarkable. (This unholy thing may have upset a few souls way back when, but
today it feels more like a Disney movie when judged against the vile
gorenography that Eli Roth and Rob Zombie turn out.) If you’ve seen one Friday
the 13th, you’ve seen them all. (Though Friday
the 13th: A New Beginning and Jason X did have moments, however
fleeting, of true inspiration.) Steve Miner directed this one (as well as II),
and he gets a lot of mileage out of the 3-D technology: Shelly juggles apples
into the camera, the hippy passes a joint to the camera, Jason shoves whatever
weapon he can get his bloody hands on into the camera. It’s often quite funny,
like something out of “Dr. Tongue’s 3-D House of Stewardesses.” But what I
truly dig about this otherwise artless (and largely tedious) splatter pic is the
funky title theme by Michael Zager. (Harry Manfredini composed the rest of the
score.) Seriously, peeps, it rocks the house. November 30, 2010 © Copyright 2010 by Edward Larsen Terkelsen. All rights reserved.
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