One Million AC/DC USA, NR, 80 m, 1969
Originally released
circa 1969 to an audience of barely three raincoat-clad self-abusers, One
Million AC/DC is a ribald send-up of the 1967 camp classic, One Million
Years B.C. (The latter derived its inspiration from Hal Roach’s 1940 giant
lizard epic, One Million B.C., which was a remake of sorts of D.W.
Griffith’s 1912 one-reeler, Man’s Genesis.) Though dumb as the day is
long, One Million Years B.C. contained some resourceful visual effects
(courtesy of the one and only Ray Harryhausen), but it’s mostly remembered for
that iconic image of Raquel Welch wearing an animal skin bikini. (Back in the
day, posters of the actress in her suggestive two-piece were damn near
compulsory wall decorations for male dorm rooms from sea to shining sea.)
There’s nothing worth remembering in One Million AC/DC; it’s a work
of mind-boggling incompetence. Granted, it’s clear from the outset that the
filmmakers aren’t shooting for authenticity, though most caveman pictures that
do come up short when they depict humans coexisting with dinosaurs. (Quest
for Fire is one of the exceptions.) But One Million AC/DC hacks an
unusually large phlegm ball in the face of paleontology: Not only do the
featured cavemen tangle with a Tyrannosaurus rex and a libidinous gorilla, they
behave like 20th century urbanites. Their conversations are peppered
with references to movies like The Wizard of Oz, and they use expletives
like “bitch” and “fuck.” Their hairstyles are also contemporary, but their
attire consists of little more than soiled loincloths. They hang out all day in
a filthy grotto, eating grapes and rutting “rhinoceros style.” Not much else
happens in this inconceivably dull piece of soft-core pornography; it exists
just to titillate, but I doubt it could get a (cough) rise out of the most randy
teenage boy. Directed by the
hopeless Ed De Priest and written by the equally hopeless Ed Wood (I’m
guessing on the inside of a matchbook cover), One Million AC/DC is
nothing but a series of clumsily choreographed sex scenes that go on twice as
long as they should. There’s no (visible) penetration to speak off—just a
lot of petting and sucking by actors who are clearly not into their work. Two
stock-still cameras take in the juiceless action, leaving little variety in the
coverage. When a shrieking virgin is brought into the cave for deflowering, a
pair of nondescript skanks lick and rub her for what seems like an eternity
before they violate her nether region with a big wooden rod. After they’ve
finished warming her up, some shaggy brute steps in to bring her to orgasm,
which is represented by an insert shot of a volcanic emission. Not since Nine
1/2 Weeks have I endured sex scenes so passionless, so by the numbers, so
boring. (I must confess, gentle reader, that my right index finger got a
little chummy with the remote control’s fast-forward button during much of
this thing.) Every now and again, One
Million AC/DC gives us a respite from the lackluster lovemaking with a bit
of comic relief, but, alas, even the chortling, knee-slapping dunderheads that
make up the audience on HBO’s “Def Comedy Jam” would find the gags here
pretty lame. While picking grapes for her tribe’s late-night orgy, a brunette
is snatched by a hulking gorilla and carried off like a side of beef to his
shadowy lair. After getting her booty savagely tapped (off camera, thankfully),
the defiled chickie attempts to escape, but is quickly stopped by her bushy
attacker and then subjected to another round of the old in-out. (This turns into
a rather unpleasant running gag.) During one of the rape scenes, the girl claws
the ape’s back, accidentally tearing open a seam in the costume and exposing
the skin of the actor inside. That’s pretty shoddy construction, but even more
embarrassing is the movie’s featured dinosaur: a T. rex that stands just
outside of the tribe’s cave, waiting to chomp on any poor bastard who steps
into the open air. (A convenient excuse for the paupers in charge to limit most
of the action to one cruddy set.) A hand puppet (not unlike the one we had a
good laugh over in The Mighty Gorga) is
used for the dinosaur in close-ups, whereas an immobile plastic figure that’s
sort of wiggled around by the property master’s hand is used in long shots.
Other prehistoric critters—a brontosaurus, a stegosaurus, a wooly
mammoth—appear courtesy of footage lifted from One Million B.C. (The
orange-tinted shots don’t figure into the action; they’re there to add
ambience, I guess.) You know it’s a bad movie when its best parts are culled
from a mediocre movie. January 30, 2009 “One Million AC/DC” Review. © Copyright 2009 by Edward Larsen Terkelsen. All rights reserved.
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